


If you are you own worst enemy(you'll never win the fight)

by smilewhenyouthinkofme



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bulimia, Bullying, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorder, M/M, Pining, Self Harm, Self depreciation, Therapy, description of cutting, mentions of twilight, poor self esteem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 17:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4401449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilewhenyouthinkofme/pseuds/smilewhenyouthinkofme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You weren't thinking,you shouldn't care if he gets involved, you're not his dad,or his boyfriend,  and you never will be so stop hoping it's gonna happen'</p>
<p>Stiles understood. He really did, the thought of him in that way made even himself sick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you are you own worst enemy(you'll never win the fight)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I have never had any eating disorders so I can only hope this is a correct representation.

"For God's sake,  stop getting yourself hurt, we can handle it, you can't, you're no help in a fight Stiles, just stay at home"

Stiles had a strange look on face, as if torn between crying or punching someone,  probably Derek.

"Derek, you are not immortal, throwing yourself at those monsters is suicide,  I'm not letting you die like that, if that means breaking an arm or two, so be it."

"I'd prefer being dead to being without you"

He shouted angrily,  Stiles stepped back, like he had been struck.

"What?!"

Shit. 

*****

'stupid, stupid, why would you do  that, fucking idiot, he doesn't want you, why would he, you're damaged goods, what were you thinking?'

Derek chastised himself as he ran through the forest.

'You weren't thinking,you shouldn't care if he gets involved, you're not his dad,or his boyfriend,  and you never will be so stop hoping it's gonna happen'

He couldn't run anymore,  he broke down crying.

He sat on the forest floor and let out his claws.

Dragging them across his skin, tearing straight lines that quickly healed over, ripping at the newly formed pink skin until blood ran down his arm and soaked his jeans, he forced himself to stop crying, focusing on the pain, using it as his anchor. 

He wiped his tears and took a few deep breaths. He was fine.

*****

Stiles angrily paced around Derek's loft, phone pressed to his ear.

" Derek, for fucks sake, you call me back or so help me God,  I'll break everything in this goddamn loft"

That was the seventeenth message he had left along with countless texts.

Stiles was worried about him, he looked like he was gonna be sick when he took off.

Who does that? Who says something like that and runs off to vomit?

Maybe he didn't mean it like it sounded and then realised what he'd said and the very thought of it made him sick.

Stiles understood. He really did, the thought of him in that way made even himself sick.

He couldn't bear to masterbate these days, he was too fat, he was disgusting, the way his stomach looked, the way his thighs touched, no wonder Derek didn't want him, why would he settle for ugly, fat, pale Stiles Stilinski,  when he could have blonde , thin, beautiful Erica Reyes, or tall, thin, Cherub-faced Isaac Lahey,  or muscly, rich, thin Jackson Whittemore.

Stiles rooted through Derek's presses, found pop tarts, ate  a whole box and threw up.

He hated throwing up but he had to or else he'd stay the size of a whale forever and Derek would never love him.

"Stiles?"

Derek came into the loft, his clothes soaked in blood 

"What happened to you?"  
"I fell, did you get sick, are you ill"  
"Did you fall into a pot of knives?, I'm fine"  
" Go home Stiles,  it's late"  
" A - about what you said Derek,did you mean it"

Derek mumbled something that Stiles couldn't catch, then raised his gaze from the floor 

"Yes"

******

Oh, sweet gandalf,  this was horrible,  why didn't he lie? It would have been so much easier. 

"Do you have feelings for me?"

Oh no, no, no, he knew, he knew.

" Yes"

Idiot,  idiot, WHY? 

"Like, romantic? "

Deep breaths, deep breaths, don't pass out.

"Yes"

Don't cry, if he rejects you, don't cry

"Are you sure? You look like your gonna throw up again"

"Yes, I - I'm sure, I understand if you don't-"

" I do"

"What?!"

"I have romantic feelings for you, I didn't think you'd like me, what with my w-"

The rest of degrading sentence was swallowed by Derek.  

He wasted no time, licking against his lips insistently,  demanding access into that sinful mouth that haunted his fantasies.

There was nothing like it, the feel of the ridges on the palate of Stiles mouth,  the sweet taste of pop tarts on his tongue, the delicious moans that slipped out between their conjoined lips, it was the most pleasurable heaven that could be reached, only soiled by the bitter taste of vomit. 

" Are you okay? You taste like you threw up"

****

Stiles pushed away from Derek,  hiding his face slightly. 

Stiles logically knew Derek wouldn't laugh at him, but the irrational part of his mind whispered   
'Not to your face anyways'

He couldn't bearThat, Derek laughing at him.

Derek knows better than to laugh at the fat kid with an eating disorder but what if he didn't find it funny. What if he found Stiles disgusting? 

It wasn't to far a stretch of the imagination,  everyone else did.  
Scott abandoned him when he got a pretty,  thin girlfriend,  Lydia never even noticed him, except to annoy her popular,  thin boyfriend,  Danny didn't find him attractive,  and didn't think any one else did either, Isaac, Erica and Boyd treated him like shit when Derek wasn't around, sometimes when he was they would still taunt him.

Derek probably hated his awful body and likes his personality.  

The majority of people would prefer a nice body than a nice personality but Derek was a little warped and this is probably a self - punishment thing for him. As penance for getting your family burned alive you have to develop feelings for Stiles Stilinski,  yep that's sounds right.

" I was worried"

Yeah.That was good, it wasn't a lie persay, he was worried about his weight.

" Anyways, I'm not the one covered in blood"  
"I fell, I told you"

Stiles didn't have to be a werewolf to know he was lying, but he was lying too so they're even.

" It's late, I should get home, dad will back soon"

He went in for another kiss but then pulled back last minute, Derek probably didn't want to kiss him if he tasted like puke. 

" Good night"  
"Goodnight Stiles"

****

"Jesus, Stiles, if you eat anymore you'll explode"

Erica laughed harshly.

Stiles hadn't eaten all day, he was hungry, what would she know with her perfect body? She probably never had to starve to get people to like her.

 

"I'm gonna head to the bathroom"  
   
He rushed and quickly shut the door. He heaved his guts up and rinsed his mouth out. 

His face looked horrendous,  he had dark circles under his eyes, his skin pale that made his blemishes stand out, marring his face, how the hell could Derek stand him?

****

"Erica, leave him alone, if he's hungry he should be able to eat without you making fun of him"

Derek liked to see Stiles eat, he was way to skinny, he didn't like the way the pack made fun of him for every little thing. 

Stiles acted like he brushed it off but Derek,  with the keenest nose, could smell the sadness and embarrassment wafting off him. 

" Easy,  Derek, it was a joke"  
"Well it wasn't funny"

She made a face at him  
"Take it easy Derek"

Derek could hear Stiles crying, heard him vomiting as well but if didn't want to tell Derek then surely he wouldn't want Derek to tell the pack.

" Just leave him alone, okay?  "  
"Fine"

She had the air of someone who was going to sulk all night because she was scolded.

Stiles came back, the smell of mint mouthwash covering the scent of desperation. 

Derek, for the life of him, could not figure out what was wrong, he knew Stiles wasn't sick, yet he kept throwing up, he was awfully thin but ate like a horse, the two were probably joined and he always smelled sad.

Derek didn't want to impose by suggesting he talk about it but it helped him with the self harming, regular therapist visit worked wonders for him, but he couldn't tell Stiles that without admitting his self esteem problems, he wasn't ready for that.

He tugged Stiles in to his lap and nuzzled into his neck.

" You okay? "  
"Yeah"  
"You want more pizza?   
"No I'm full"

Erica laughed loudly  
"Finally"

****

Stiles tried not to cry, he tried so very hard, but it didn't work, he buried his face in Derek's shoulder to hide his tears, hoping no one would notice.

Derek tensed beside him.

He heard Erica put down her pizza 

"Stiles?  Are you alright? I was only joking"

Stiles wanted to turn and face her with a smile plastered to his with a remark on his lips but he couldn't tear himself away from Derek.

" Get. Out."  
Derek uttered venomously.

" I didn't mean-"  
"I don't care what you meant, I told you stop, now get out"  
   
Derek must have used his alpha eyes because they all cleared out. He rocked him like a baby and kissed his hair.

Stroking his back he asked  
"Do you wanna talk about it? 

Stiles snuffled against his shirt"Erica made a joke about my weight and I got upset, it happened now it's over"

" She didn't say anything about your weight"  
"She was thinking it, you all were"  
"Stiles, no one was thinking about your weight,  sure you're a bit too skinny but that's fine"

Stiles sat up in shock

"Are you serious?  Are you actually fucking with me ?! Too fucking skinny ? Derek, I'm huge, what the hell is wrong you? Do you think this is fucking  funny? Yeah, it's a hoot and a half, tell the fat kid they need to put on more weight, do you have a chubby kink or some other weird fetish?"

"Stiles it isn't like that, I love you-"

"For my fucking personality"  
"What's so bad about that?!"  
"Just once I want someone to find me attractive"  
"You are attractive Stiles"  
"NO I'M NOT, I'm disgusting, "

Stiles went to stand up but Derek pulled him back down, trapping him in his arms.

"You are not disgusting Stiles,  you're not fat, is this why you cried and threw up earlier on? Are you bulimic?"

" YES, YA HAPPY NOW? YOU FINALLY HAVE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE, I get it, no one wants to deal with that"

Derek buried his face in Stiles hair.

"I will never leave you Stiles,  I promise you, never, especially not over something like this, it's alright,  we can fix this"

Stiles laughed bitterly. 

****

"What would you know about it?"

" I know very little about bulimia but I do know the struggle with self esteem-"

"How the hell would you know anything about low self esteem? You have it made,  you're good looking, wealthy, confident,  stop pandering, stop patronising me, you have no idea what I'm going through"

Derek was silent for a moment

" I do, Stiles,  I do, I  know what it's like to look in the mirror and depise what's looking back you, I know how hard it is to ignore the voices in the back of your head degrading you, I know how difficult the struggle is and how I would do anything, anything to get away from it"

"Dealing with emotional teenagers doesn't mean you understand our issues"

"Have you ever thought that maybe grown ups face these problems? The night we started this and I came home covered in blood, I did that, i didn't fall, I clawed the skin off my arms multiple times, just so I could make myself stop crying."

He left the 'because of you' bit out.

***

How did Stiles not catch this, he's researched the hell out of every mental disorder and issue on the Internet and he didn't cop that Derek had one.

Granted the cuts heal over but there are behaviours, signals he clearly missed.

"I'm sorry,  I didn't mean to presume anything"

"It's fine, but I do understand a little about what you're going through"

"Are you okay? "  
"I'm in therapy,  it helps, I'm getting better"

Derek let his arms sag and nuzzled against Stiles.

" I know you probably don't believe me but you're amazing and perfect and I love you so very much."

"I know that you honestly believe that, thank you, can I have the number of that therapist"

" Yes, but she's a vampire so it'll be in the evenings"

"Of course you're therapist is a vampire -"

" No she cannot read minds "

" I wasn't gonna ask that"  
Stiles squeaked indignantly

Derek pulled his face from Stiles' hair and looked at him 

Stiles giggled  
" Okay, maybe I was, blame Lydia,  she made me watch the movies"

Derek nosed at Stiles jaw  
"Erica made me read the books"

Stiles buried his hands in the werewolf ' s hair   
"I'm team Edward"

"I prefer Jacob as a character but Bella should be with Edward, "

"Of course you'd side with the werewolves"

Stiles scoffed as he yawned.

" Can I stay here tonight?"  
" always "

Fade To Black

**Author's Note:**

> WhenStiles says Derek won't love him if he doesn't lose weight, the disorder is not tied to Derek, before that it was 'if I don't lose weight Lydia won't love me'
> 
> It's just something he does
> 
> Deep doesn't cut because of Stiles,he cuts when he is upset and his esteem issues emerge. 
> 
> And I don't know any of ye, but if you are in a similar situation, seek help and I promise things get better.
> 
> Feedback is love
> 
> Xoxo
> 
> Scatteredblackroses on tumblr


End file.
